I’ve been working with my sports nutritionist for about 2.5 half weeks. I’m not counting the first week when she simply looked at what I normally ate because I wasn’t altering what I ate. The good news is that the weight is coming off. My clothes are looser and I’m wearing items that I haven’t worn in a few years. Andy actually thought I had bought some new clothes as he hadn’t seen many of the shirts in several years. The bad (maybe not bad) news is that the dieting has bubbled emotional issues to the surface.
I went on my first diet when I was twelve with my mom. We used the Slim Fast Juice method which did not work. I’m sorry but replacing 2 meals with a gritty tasting ‘shake’ isn’t something that your average twelve year old can get behind. Over the years, I’ve tried most diets on the market including diet pills which made me C-R-A-Z-Y. I tried starving myself in my teens and purging which is so so so gross. I have some deep control issues over food and trust issues with my body. Talking about this with a stranger is both uncomfortable and liberating at the same time.
Yesterday during our weekly check-in, I struggled to not break down and cry. Counting calories and being hypervigiliant is exhausting and stressful. I want to be happy when I see photos of myself not cringing in how bad they will be. I want to smile at race photographers and not duck my head hoping they will find another subject. I want to be able to walk around confidently in tank tops and shorts. I want people to not be surprised when I tell them I’m a runner.
Undoing years of bad habits is tough. I want to get to the start line of Mt. Hood 50 in the best shape of my life. I want to be lean, focused and ready to complete my first 50 miler. I want this so bad. Bad enough to drastically reduce my intake of alcohol. Bad enough to eat salads instead of fried chicken. And bad enough to stop eating happy hour food.
I made African Peanut Stew which happens to be vegan. I have found that eating vegan is a great way to watch my calories.